Cancer, Again?!?!
There are words I never expected to hear once, or twice!
I was recently told that I have cancer again. The first time, it was PSCC. This time, it is in my lung.
Saying those words feels different than the first diagnosis. The shock is quieter—but it is still a shock. The vocabulary is familiar. I understand scans, margins, pathology reports, and staging in a way I wish I didn’t. But familiarity does not make it easier. Knowing the road to hell and back doesn’t make it any easier. It simply changes the way the shock feels and how it gets processed with a little more experience.
The first time, everything was unknown. There were no lists:
Things to expect
Questions to ask
Success rate for similar treatments
Life expectancy
How many times the medical providers have performed treatment for this extremely rare cancer
The difference between ports and PICC lines
Recovery times after each procedure
No psychological support or counseling
And there were so many more documents I wished I had…
This time, I know exactly what cancer can take—and what it demands. I also know what I survived, including surgeries, chemo, revision surgery, scans, weekly PICC dressing changes, open wound care, emergency room visits, just to mention the top line items. That knowledge cuts both ways. It brings strength, and it dredges up recent, unprocessed memories and PTSD’s that were added to my mind and body over the past few years. My body remembers pain, and I am just under one year out from chemo.
For now, I am taking this one step at a time. Once again, collaborating with my art. There are appointments, conversations, decisions ahead. There is uncertainty—but there is also so much more clarity in “the system” and the procedures and the way to become informed. I’ve walked through fire before. I understand the terrain, even if this Thoracic Park landscape is new.
This second cancer sentence puts even more importance on getting my first journey with PSCC documented in this blog. I thought I could put the first journey here then get into contemporary thoughts that might help support you with PSCC or being a PSCC caretaker. I have said this before…what ever happens, I just need to get up one more time than I am knocked down.
If you are reading this because you also are facing recurrence or a second diagnosis, know this: you are not weak for feeling shaken. You are not dramatic for feeling afraid. And you are not alone in standing at this crossroads again. I am now here, again.
I have heard many others on their 2nd, 3rd or more cancer journeys. No matter what we have and what we need to go through, there are others that have gone before us and they are our inspiration to find the energy we didn’t know was tucked inside us.
We can get back to walking through fire, once again advocating successfully for the outcomes we want. I will give daily gratitude so I can realize things that may have been missed during my first journey.
I am sending you strong energy.
Not The CT I Wanted
I just got the CT imagining report I didn't want—and I am grateful to get it. Let me explain the big picture, then get into my imaging report.
I am practicing “gratitude as focus and personal attention.”
Here’s what I am learning and applying to two findings in the CT scan I received.
Gratitude acts as a deliberate tool of personal attention & focus, training the brain to notice and appreciate positive, "glimmer" moments rather than focusing on deficits or negativity. By intentionally shifting attention to what is going right, this practice reshapes neural pathways, boosts resilience, and fosters a more joyful, "present-moment” experience. You can look at the same thing through to different sides of a glass prism and see two different perspectives.
Gratitude as Active Attention & Focus
• Directs Focus: Gratitude directs attention toward what is working, rather than what is wrong. With cancer and treatments, a strong attitude is a major advantage and using gratitude to see in a different way can be beneficial.
• Alternative to Criticism: While both gratitude and criticism require personal attention, gratitude focuses on appreciation, whereas criticism focuses on faults, uncertainty, doubt, fear and other negative responses that impact our mind and body.
• Rewires the Brain: Consistent practice shifts perception, making the brain more attuned to abundance and positivity over time.
• "Glimmer" Moments: It involves noticing small, positive experiences—like the smell of coffee or a kind word—which can transform daily life. Keep reading to see my use of a glimmer moment that I expect to produce better medical outcomes.
How to Practice Attention-Based Gratitude
• Keep a Journal: List three things you are grateful for each day to train your brain to look for the positive. Gratitude means more than thankful, it means actively looking in a different way to discover angles you may have missed up to now.
• Engage the Senses: Spend 20 seconds truly focusing on a good experience, using all your senses.
• Routine Anchoring: Tie your gratitude practice to a daily habit, such as writing in a journal before bed or in the morning. Writing this blog quickly become anchoring for me.
• Focus on Process, Not Outcome: True gratitude is an "alert attention" and an "innocent perception" that doesn't rely on comparison to others.
Here’s how I’m applying this (copied from my Journal):
Yesterday I read my CT Chest results that showed the nodule in my lower left lung is growing. It went from a few to 3x in size.. And there is a lymph node that is slightly increased in size from prior scan, now measuring a few millimeters larger.
This is a concern because my cancer metastasized through my lymphatic system. I’m grateful I have access to CT scans. I’m grateful I am being followed every three months.
This report allows me to focus on the early detection so that I can start advocating with interventional pulmonary doctors to biopsy my lung and the 5mm node. Gratitude helps me focus clearly on my path ahead and to stay present.
I have to practice this so that I can rewrite my brain. Journaling, writing this down, reinforces this lesson so my neuroplasticity builds "gratitude as focus/attention" into my everyday thinking. My next medical steps are become clear, helping me advocate for a diagnosis more quickly than if I was not focusing on seeing the advantages I have and being grateful for them.
I don't want to bury the headline here. I have a faster growing nodule...and a new lymph node change that is a concern. I just want to share my approach where I purposely see my gratitude increasing my attention and focus for things I can use, and not waste my time and energy creating negative thoughts.
Look into the many ways you can learn to apply gratitude in your journey.
We interrupt this blog…
The one year post chemo CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis showed no evidence that the cancer has returned or spread. There were no suspicious lymph nodes, no new lesions, and no signs of metastatic disease in the areas examined. What mattered most was the absence of anything new or threatening. Reading the Radiology Report isn’t celebration, but it is relief: a quiet confirmation that, for now, the ground beneath me is holding. Next up, the lung CT taken at the same time, hopefully the same solid report is coming soon.
